By Rabbi Dov Brezak, Principal and Director, Talmud Torah Ezrat Torah, Yerushalayim

Sensitive to Feelings

A teacher told the story of a student named Jacquelyn who stayed in her home for a brief period. One day, it dawned on the teacher that everyone called the girl Jacquelyn and not by a Jewish name. She wondered if the girl had a Jewish name.

When Jacquelyn came home from school that day, she asked her, just to make sure,

"Jacquelyn, do you have a Jewish name?"

"No."

"Then let's go to Harav Shach and hear what he has to say."

Together, they hurried out the door and made their way to Rav Shach. On the way, both of them thought about various Jewish names Jacquelyn might take. Keila was one idea that occurred to the teacher, because it had some of the same letters as Jacquelyn.

"We came to Rav Shach," the teacher said as she related the story, "and he listened to the shayla. With warmth and friendliness, he turned to the girl and asked her, 'What is your name now?'"

'Jacquelyn,' she answered.

'What did your parents call you?' Rav Shach asked.

'Jacquelyn,' the girl answered.

"'Is this what they always called you?" he asked. "'Yes.'

"'Do you like this name?' "Very much," she answered with emotion.

"'It's okay. You do not have to change the name,' Rav Shach replied.

"We left," the teacher continued, "and as we were walking Jacquelyn began to reveal to me - for the first time - how concerned she was that she might have to change her name. It turns out that she was very attached to her name and couldn't imagine having to part from it."

The Gedolei Yisrael understand that people have feelings and that these feelings have to be taken into account and reckoned with before making a decision.

Our children are also people, and their feelings must also be taken into account and reckoned with before we make a decision of how to proceed.

What To Do When It's Difficult for Them

In the true story above, the realization of the extent of the child's difficulty is what helped bring about the desired results. Because the boy's trial was too difficult, the standard doses of encouragement were not working. It was necessary to (1) make the trial smaller; and (2) make the incentive (in this case, the encouragement) bigger until it was proportional to the degree of difficulty.

When it is difficult for a child, we can look for ways to lighten his burden, while at the same time increasing our incentives and encouragement. This makes it easier for the child to succeed - and which child does not want to succeed!

Once we make success within a child's reach, he will succeed (be'zrat Hashem). We can focus on his successes, no matter how small, and success will breed success.

How Can We Be Happy with Them?

The only thing that may stand in the way is our own expectations.

How can we be happy with only a little bit if we want our child to do so much? How can we focus on the little bit he is doing and call that success, when he is so far from where we want him to be?

We must realize that the only way to success is success itself. To quote the holy Chovos Halevavos, A little bit of light dispels a great deal of darkness.

If you want your child to succeed, help him succeed. Start with small accomplishments. Focus on what he or she is already doing right, and the child will proceed in that direction. Focus on what he is not doing right, and you will push him even further in that direction. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Many well-intentioned parents have unrealistic expectations of their children. Without realizing it, they themselves are the cause of their children's lack of success.

Rabbi Yaakobson cites a case in which the boy had a problem, not in davening but in learning. The boy was in fifth grade, yet refused to learn to memorize mishnayos because, as he said, "I can't! I have a rosh satum - I'm just dumb. I don't remember anything."

(I'm reminded of the time Harav Shneur Kotler, ztz"l, told me that Rav Isser Zalman Meltzer said that when Harav Shach was 10, "he had a rosh satum. But," he continued, "er hot geligen in lerenen - he was immersed in learning." This sharpened the young Rav Shach's mind to the point that he became the Torah giant we know, revered by the entire yeshiva world. One of those very close to Rav Shach told me that what took Rav Shach two minutes to think through took him two days.)

The fifth grade boy with the problem in learning was asked if he had any proof that his head was "satum."

"Sure I do," he answered. "The facts speak for themselves. I can't remember mishnayos by heart for more than a day."

"Maybe that's because it's too hard?" he was asked.

"That's ridiculous," the boy said. "Even a kid in second grade can do it."

"How do you know?" he was asked.

"My father told me," the boy said. "He brought my cousin from second grade home one day to show me that even a second grader can do it."

The child was offered help, but at first he wouldn't accept it. After some gentle persuasion, he agreed.

"You will learn to memorize the mishnayos, but you won't be tested," he was told.

"What for?" asked the boy.

"Just in case you see you can do it. And even if you don't know the mishna by heart, you will receive a prize for learning and putting in the time and effort. In fact, if you put in the same time that it takes another boy to learn the mishnayos, you deserve a bigger prize because for you it's harder.

The boy's parents realized that in this case it was the extra, added pressure that was causing the child difficulty. Relieving the pressure, while at the same time making it easy for the child to succeed, was a winning combination.

When the child came back to Rav Yaakobson three months later, he began rattling off mishnayos by heart.

Harav Shlomo Wolbe, shlita, once told me that he heard from Harav Shmuel Rozovsky, ztz"l, the renowned maggid shiur in Ponevezh Yeshiva, that the task of a bochen, an examiner in a school, is to help the children answer correctly. In almost all instances, helping the child to succeed and then focusing on what he has already accomplished will build him and bring him to even more success.

A few months ago we wrote about an older boy who disrupted the class, occasionally acted belligerent and even made fun of the rebbe behind his back.

We knew we had to take immediate action at the beginning of the year before it went any further, and our assistant principle came up with an ingenious plan. The next time the boy was sent to his office for misbehaving, he asked the boy if he wanted his parents to know about it. The boy is very afraid of his parents, and naturally answered no.

Rabbi L. then picked up the phone and asked the boy for his phone number. He dialed the number, got voice mail and began to speak. "Shimon is in my office," he said, "and we just had a nice talk. I am convinced that this year will be the best year Shimon has ever had in his life. I think it's worthwhile to give him a treat when he gets home as a sign of encouragement and recognition for his resolution to be very successful this year." With that, he hung up the phone.

The boy was in shock, but he now had a reputation to live up to. Looking back, I cannot say that this one incident cured the problem entirely, but we continued dealing with this child along these lines. Whenever I gave the class an oral quiz, I tried to catch the boy at moments when he was doing something right and compliment him on it. I would tell him he was excelling and so on.

Interestingly enough, in just a short time, the boy improved tremendously. Once after testing his class (which I do once a week), I took him aside and gave him a big compliment. I then smiled and said, "This is going to be the best year you've ever had, isn't it?" He smiled back and nodded in agreement.

This took place about three months ago. Yesterday, I again tested this boy, and he knew the Gemara very well. He has become one of the best boys in his class and is living up to the reputation we set for him. We caught him at moments when he was doing things right and focused on that!

Catch them doing things right, and they will do things right!

Our Generation's Calling

One of the Gedolei Yisrael recently told the following story about Rav Shach.

When Rav Chaim Friedlander, ztz"l, was in his final weeks, he sent his son-in-law to ask Rav Shach how he should prepare for the Heavenly Tribunal. Rav Shach sent back a reply saying that the main thing is bein adam lachaveiro, interpersonal relationships.

The gadol went on to say that in our generation our main job is to encourage - to encourage ourselves, to encourage our spouses and to encourage our children.

Allow me to fulfill this calling and encourage you.

I feel that parents are very unselfish and receive little recognition.

Realize what a good parent you are.

The fact that you have actually read this very long article only serves to verify this. It certainly means you care about parenting - and that's the first sign of a good parent!

May Hashem send you continued siyatta diShemaya (heavenly help) and unending nachas from all your children, always.

With sincere wishes for your success and siyatta diShemaya, Rabbi Dov Brezak