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The Shadchan |
by Rabbi Berel Wein
Matchmaking is an old, traditionally blessed and honored Jewish occupation. In fact, the Talmud attributes matchmaking to be the Lord's primary preoccupation. Only Jews speak about the Lord in such an intimate fashion. In any event, the shadchan as matchmaker appears as part of every Jewish society and in all times and places. Reliance on "official" (read professional) shadchanim waxed and waned throughout the centuries. But even when the professionals were not really so much in demand (as in early and middle twentieth century America) unofficial shadchanim always operated. They recommended matches to their friends, scouted for their relatives and generally made themselves useful or annoying in influencing one's search for the right mate. Over the past number of decades, the professional shadchan has made a strong comeback amongst many sections of Jewish society, especially in the Orthodox world. The days of meeting a prospective mate on one's own initiative without having a go-between negotiating on one's behalf are now gone, at least for the time being. Even after the boy and girl have finally met and dated, it is the shadchan who must determine whether both parties are willing to proceed further. In this manner, the parties are technically protected from having to confront each other with harsh questions or disappointing answers. The shadchan is also required to find out all pertinent and even not so pertinent information about the prospective parties before they embark upon an actual meeting. Thus the shadchan really can make or break the match even before it gets started. One would therefore be wise to treat shadchanim kindly since one never knows...
Many shadchanim are professionals who charge a fee for their services. This is also a long-standing tradition in the Jewish world. The rabbinic responsa books are filled with records of disputes between shadchanim and their clients over the payment of fees. What if the couple becomes engaged and then later agrees not to marry? Is the shadchan nevertheless entitled to the fee? What if the shadchan knowingly misrepresented or withheld vital information (a little "puffing" is allowed and even expected in all shiduch cases) about the parties from one another and they then married, only to discover that they were truly strangers to each other? Is the shadchan nevertheless entitled to a fee? These are just some of the complex and often painful and sometimes humorous questions dealt with in the rabbinic responsa on the subject. The general opinion of the rabbis is that a shadchan is legitimately entitled to be paid a reasonable fee if the couple marries. In fact, the money of Shadchanut is considered to be truly "kosher" money, earned honorably in furthering the personal happiness of others and in the general public good. The requirement to pay a shadchan for one's services, even if they be minimal or questionable is so deeply ingrained in Jewish society, that failure to do so promptly and adequately, created a legend that the marriage would have problems if the shadchan remained unsatisfied. Thus in today's world, many a non-professional shadchan who happened to introduce two people to each other will also receive monetary payment for this kindness.
In a time when so many Jewish "singles" abound, the shadchan has become a necessity in Jewish social life. There are many shadchanim that advertise and publicize their professional abilities and experience. Anyone who has read any of the airlines' magazines in the United States will see full-page references and advertisements for professional matchmakers in the general non-Jewish society as well. For some reason, the old boy-meets-girl and they fall in love and marry scenario is much more difficult to achieve in our post-modern culture. People today seem to need to be "sold" on one another by outside mediators and advisers. Thus the shadchan, who was often represented in nineteenth century Haskala literature as a joke and a buffoon, a relic of an uncivilized past, has now made a tremendous comeback in respectability and profitability. Apparently the Lord's preoccupation still resonates well amongst his human creatures as well.
Berel Wein
Reprinted with permission from rabbiwein.coms
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