Marriage and the Royal Family
By: Rabbi Yehudah Prero
The Machzor Vitri comments that there is custom unique to grooms. During the
week following the wedding, the groom should not go to synagogue to pray.
Rather, he should pray at home. The reason given for this custom is the groom
will often have difficulty finding people to accompany him to and from the
synagogue, and he should not go alone. Therefore, the groom should just pray
Why is it necessary to provide a groom with accompaniment? Pirkei D'Rabi
Elazar writes that "Chasan domeh l'melech," a groom is similar to a king. Just
as a king does not go out alone, so too a groom should not go out alone. Just
as we must accord respect to a king, and assure that he always travels with an
entourage, so too must we do the same for a groom.
What is it exactly that causes a groom to attain a status of royalty? Why,
just because a person gets married, it he accorded respect that is due to
In Tehillim (Psalms), King David wrote (26:4) "One thing I asked of G-d, that
I shall seek - that I dwell in the house of G-d all the days of my life. . .
." The Yalkut Shimoni explains the request of King David. The Yalkut writes
that King David was asking for royalty. This explanation does not easily fit
in with the context of the entire passage. King David asked to sit in the
house of G-d all the days of his life. How is this asking for royalty? Is the
royal palace the "house of G-d?" Furthermore, asking G-d for royalty is not in
accordance with King David's personality and stature. First, he was a king.
Second, King David was known for his desire to study Torah, even waking up
late at night so he could study the holy words of Torah. Why, then, would he
request royalty, which, if granted, would bring with it distraction from Torah
study, and honor, wealth, and prestige, status symbols for which the Sages did
In the Talmud (Gittin 62a), we find the answer. Who are the true kings? The
Talmud says that the Rabanan, those who study Torah, are called kings. Why?
Because through the study of Torah, they merit the crown of Torah. King David
was not asking for the royalty that comes through being a monarch of a
country. He was asking G-d for the royalty that results through one becoming
the emissary of G-d, which comes through immersion in Torah study. King David
greatly wanted another royalty, the royalty that would afford him the
opportunity to sit in the house of G-d all the days of his life. It is this
royalty, as the Yalkut Shimoni writes, mentioned in King David's request in
The Talmud writes (Yevamos 62b) that any man who does not have a wife exists
without happiness, blessing, and without Torah. It is possible to understand
why a person might not be happy about being single, or might feel not blessed
because he is not married. However, there are many people who clearly do learn
Torah when they are single. How can we understand that a person is without
Torah because he is single?
Rav Ovadya Yosef explains that there are different levels of Torah study.
There is a principle that when a person could be engaged in Torah study, and
that person instead pursues other matters, he is engaged in "Bittul Torah,"
"the wasting of Torah-study time." Rav Ovadya Yosef extends this principle.
"Bittul Torah" also applies when a person is learning Torah, but could learn
Torah with greater depth and/or intensity, and is not doing so. The Talmud
(Shabbos 30b) writes that the Divine Presence does not rest upon man through
gloom. Happiness is needed to have the Divine Presence rest upon man. If a
person is not married, according to the Talmud, he is without happiness. If he
is without happiness, he will not merit to have the Divine Presence rest upon
him and bless his efforts. As the individual does not have the benefit of the
Divine Presence resting upon him and blessing his efforts, the Torah study
done by this individual is on a lower level than the study that could be
accomplished by him if he had the assistance of the Divine Presence.
Therefore, the individual who is not married and does not have happiness, does
not have Torah, either.
When a man weds, he is blessed with a happiness that he has not experienced
before. Because he has reached this level of happiness, the level of his Torah
study reaches heights previously unattained. He is now in the realm of those
who are dedicated to G-d's service and study of Torah. He has now, because of
the joy of getting married, joined the ranks of royalty. Only now, because of
his new status, can we call the groom a king - a member of G-d's extensive
royal family. Because the groom experiences a new dimension of joy, and hence
reaches a new plateau in his Torah study, he now becomes comparable to a king,
and is therefore accorded the respect due to a king.
The caveat, the Pirkei D'Rabi Elazar points out, is that a groom is only
comparable to a king. He is not a true king. While it is true that a groom,
upon getting married, experiences a joy like one never before felt, after the
seven days of feasting that follows the wedding, the joy can wane. The level
of Torah study that almost automatically came to the groom upon his marriage
can drop. How can the groom maintain his royal status? By keeping happy, by
maintaining a pleasant atmosphere in the house. With happiness comes the
company of the Divine Presence. G-d's presence will bless the new couple, and
specifically the Torah study conducted in that household. If a new couple can
keep the happiness they experience during the first week they are married with
them always, their reign as queen and king will continue indefinitely.
MAZEL TOV to Eli and Russy Newman, Yechiel and Dafna Weiner, and Elly and
Adina Rosenbaum upon their recent marriages!
R' Yehudah Prero, firstname.lastname@example.org
Subscribe to LifeCycles using the on-line form or
For questions, comments, and topic requests, please write to Rabbi Yehudah Prero.
HAAZINU AND ELUL / ROSH HASHANAH:
Rav Gedaliah Schorr on Revealed and Hidden Manifestations of G-d
Rabbi Yissocher Frand - 5767
A Song and Its Allusions
Shlomo Katz - 5769
Lessons from a Farewell Speech
Rabbi Yehudah Prero - 5760
Ideas for Inspiration
Rabbi Yehudah Prero - 5760
Open Door Policy
Rabbi Naftali Reich - 5767
Shofar - Past and Present
Rabbi Yisroel Ciner - 5762
Rabbi Mordechai Kamenetzky - 5756
Leave it Up to the King
Rabbi Eliyahu Hoffmann - 5764
Rabbi Berel Wein - 5755
Calculated Double Speak
Rabbi Mordechai Kamenetzky - 5759
To Walk With God
Rabbi Pinchas Winston - 5773
Rabbi Eliyahu Hoffmann - 5765
Allusions to Elul
Rabbi Yehudah Prero - 5757
We Don't See the Whole Picture
Rabbi Yaakov Menken - 5756
Happy New Yira
Rabbi Label Lam - 5769
The Mystical Tug of the Shofar
Rabbi Naftali Reich - 5766