by Rabbi Shlomo Goldberg

Al Pi Darko - According to His Way
Insights into Chinuch from the Weekly Sedra

"How can religious kids act like that!" is an all too common cry. The topic of "The Frummer (yiddish for religious) the Wilder-Why?" finds its way into every conference of Torah educators. Indeed, much to our chagrin, often, if one observes the behavior of children in the more religious synagogues and day schools, one can observe behavior that would never be dreamed of in one of the other "branches" of Judaism. For example, I once witnessed a weekly pushing, kicking, and shoving match that took place amongst the boys gathered around the table from which the Torah was being read, supposedly to hear every word of the reading of the Torah. I recently received the honor of opening the Ark one Shabbos morning. I was joined by a five year old who proceeded to try to climb into the Ark to kiss the Torah scrolls inside. When he couldn't do so, he armed himself with a box of tissues so that he could at least show his love for Torah by smacking the scrolls with it. Only when I bent down to ask if perhaps his father might be present in the room did Dad appear on the scene to whisk him away.

(Certainly this behavior is not limited to children. It is well known that at the services of a Reform or Conservative congregation one can hear a pin drop. I have heard tell that this is sometimes not the case in an Orthodox shul. However, I believe that this phenomenon can be explained by the fact that, in non-Orthodox congregations, men and women sit next to their respective husbands and wives. Therefore they have nothing to say. In an Orthodox shul, however, where men sit next to men and women next to women, then there is plenty to shmooz about!)

Yeshiva playgrounds can be scenes of open battles; the hallways become places wherein one must learn how to protect himself either with his fists or his mouth. In girls' schools or classes, the violence is absent, but more than adequately replaced by cliquishness and cattyness, wherein yesterday's victim is pleased and proud to be tomorrow's perpetrator.

At a strategic-planning meeting for a nationwide teacher training program held in the summer of 1998 in Jerusalem, this topic was again discussed. Of the 10 or so people in the room, one prominent Rosh Yeshiva tried to maintain that in his yeshiva there was no issue of "the frummer the wilder." The consensus of the others present was that this problem is so pervasive that if there is no wildness in his school, then it must not be as frum as he thinks it is!

Over the years, I have heard several different explanations for this phenomenon. One that I believe holds particular validity is that the problem begins with the school's attitude toward the first-grade English teacher. Children grow up with a natural feeling that they are supposed to respect all adults, teachers in particular. It can happen in some schools that place a greater emphasis on Torah Studies, that the General Studies program is seen as a necessary evil. Students in such an environment quickly pick up the subtle message that this program and its teachers are not to be truly respected. Unfortunately, lack of respect is a disease that quickly metastasizes to Jewish Studies teachers, Rabbis, and parents as well. It can eradicate the intrinsic sense of respect that children naturally have for all adults and certainly their peers.

Therefore, I heard years ago in the name of Rav Shach, shlita, that due to the burden of a double curriculum it is often impossible for a Yeshiva to teach everything in terms of General Studies. However, whatever is taught, must be taught on a high level, and by teachers who are proficient in their field. Otherwise we are sending a message to children that we are making them do something that is a waste of time. Such a policy is clearly "anti-educational."

Rav Simcha Zissel, the founder and first head of the yeshiva in Kelm, offers an insight into this week's parasha which can be used to explain our problem as well. Parashas Behar contains the prohibition of "onaas devarim"-hurting the feelings of another person with words. It would seem that believing Jews who live with recognition of HaShem's existence would not need to be warned against such obviously inappropriate behavior. Ironically, Rav Simcha Zissel explains that it is just this recognition of Hashem that can rationalize the use of hurtful language.

If a person believes in an Almighty G-d that created sustains and supervises the universe, then by definition He is the center of the universe and I am not. Although one may accept this definition intellectually, to actively live one's life with HaShem's preeminence in the forefront of his mind takes years and years of Torah study and the discipline of an ongoing behavioral and personality improvement program. This is true, however, only in terms of inculcating self-effacement in front of Hashem in one's own life. When it comes to how we view others, then, Rav Simcha Zissel says, our so-called "faith" in G-d kicks right in. We are then all too quick to recognize how puny and insignificant others are in comparison to the infinite and omnipresent existence of HaShem. And why should we should we need to express ourselves in a courteous manner for someone so insignificant? The result is insult and deprecation of others.

The results of this premise are ironic. The more one recognizes the magnificence of HaShem's existence, the more there is a tendency to belittle and disparage other people. However, the Rav Simcha Zissel points out, amongst the non-believers, who hold that man is the be all and end all of the entire universe, there can be a greater sense that people are holy and need to be respected.

To disabuse us of this notion, the Torah tells us "do not afflict your fellow Jew with words-and you shall revere the Almighty." If one truly recognizes Hashem's existence then he will try to follow in His ways of mercy and kindness, and he will respect all that HaShem has created. One of the fundamental principles of Rav Yisroel Salanter, ztz"l, was that one cannot profess to love and revere HaShem if he cannot first do so for the flesh and blood people with whom he interacts daily. Rav Wolbe, shlita, writes that even animals have a desire to cling to their creator. What makes our religiosity different from that of the animals and a true expression of awe of Heaven, is the manner in which we recognize the holliness that exists in every person, and how we transform that knowledge into positive acts of sensitivity and respect.

Therefore, Rashi tells us that the Torah juxtaposed the laws of the Sabbatical year to the mention of Mount Sinai to teach us that at the Giving of the Torah, Hashem gave all of the commandments in their total detail. It is clear that commandments such as the Sabbatical year were of a Divine origin. But we must know as well that even the commandments that govern human relations, commandments that seem to be reducible to easily recognizable logical principles, contain nuances, details and an overall philosophy of the holiness of mankind which is also our proud inheritance from Mount Sinai.

The Ramban points out that the reproof found in Parashas Bechukosai (next week's Parasha, but read together with this week's Parasha on non-leap years) is given in the plural, i.e. what will happen to you all, while that found in Parashas Ki Savo in Deuteronomy, is given in the singular, i.e. what will happen to you. He explains that the reproof in Bechukosai is referring to the behaviors of the Jewish people that caused the destruction of the First Temple. There, the sins of the people were in the realm of between man and G-d. The people were still a unified group, hence they could be referred to as you all. Parashas Ki Savo, however, is referring to the Second Temple, where the sin was senseless hatred, hence the use of the singular, denoting an every man for himself attitude. The exile after the First Temple was for 70 years. The exile after the Second Temple, as we know, exists until this day. It seems that it is easier to fix problems with our relationship with HaShem when the problem is with Him alone. But when the problem affects our relationships with each other, then we are so far from Him, that it can take millennia for us to return.

It seems then, that the cure for "frummer and wilder" is to be truly frum. If religiosity means only our ritual life, then that can actually make us more intolerant and belittling of other people. If, however, our reverence of Heaven is manifest first in the G-dliness we are commanded to revere in other people, then our growth in reverse and awe of the Eternal will result in desirable phenomena. Our children and we will be frummer and more sensitive, frummer and kinder, frummer and more honest, just as we see in truly great men and women of the Jewish people.

A fine place to begin is with the above-mentioned commandment of being careful not to hurt the feelings of others with words. This refers not only to blatant insults but also to constant negativity, to saying "I know exactly how you feel," (since you really don't) or to the ever popular, "I told you so!" Adults and children must be made aware that it is just as forbidden to "rub it in" as it is to eat non-kosher food.

Just as Kashrus and Shabbos are from Mount Sinai, commandments between man and man, in all their detail, are also from Mount Sinai. It is this all-important area of attention to the details of interpersonal relationships that most accurately shows our true level of love and reverence of Hashem.

Parsha-Parenting, Copyright (c) 2000 by Rabbi Shlomo Goldberg andProject Genesis, Inc. Rabbi Goldberg is the menahel (spiritual advisor) ofYeshivas Ohr Eliyahu, and a highly acclaimed and popular speaker inLos Angeles.