by Rabbi Shlomo Goldberg

Reb Yisroel Salanter once observed two young boys actively engaged in a contest to see who was taller. One would stretch to the top of his toes and mark his height against a post or building while his friend did the same, running from place to place trying to prove their altitudinal superiority. Finally, while running down the sidewalk, one of the boys pushed the other off the sidewalk and into the street. He held his hands aloft in victory, gleefully proclaiming, "See, now I am taller than you for sure!"

Upon observing the "victory" of the boy on the sidewalk, Reb Yisroel commented to his students that unless the boy's parents took immediate action, the child was destined to grow up to be a rasha, an evil person. Surprised at such a drastic decree over a seemingly meaningless childish prank, his students asked Reb Yisroel for an explanation. "You see," he said, "it is not so much that he used an illegal tactic to win. The problem is that he chose to make himself taller by making his friend lower, by pushing him into the gutter. With far less effort he could have made himself taller by jumping up onto a step, elevating himself without lowering his friend. Since he chose to build himself up by putting others down I fear for his future."

The grounds for Reb Yisroel's premonition can be understood through an insight by Rav Dessler in the fourth volume of his book, Michtav Me'Eliyahu, page 17: The nature of this world is that externalities rule and externalities are false in comparison to the inner dimension of the heart. All of the superficial desires of man consist of seeing himself as superior in comparison to others; this one through his wealth, this one through his profession, this one through his talents, this one through his wisdom, this one through his deeds. Even if he is superior solely in terms of the extent of his insanity and frivolity, this will also serve to satisfy him. One who cannot find within himself any aspect of superiority over others will become very depressed and in the depths of his heart he will find no purpose to his life. The pursuit of superiority will lead him to seek the upper hand against others and to rule over them and to pursue jealousy and honor and all that comes in their wake. This is the general rule of all life in this world. And it is sheker - false. The inner truth is that he who holds himself to be great is small. But once one enters the world of falsehood, this pushes him to pursue even more falsehood, and to try to lower others through loshon hara, damaging speech, and by miskabed b'kalon chavero - gaining personal honor through another's disgrace. Behold, this path of falsehood is also the path that leads to murder.

I believe that the insights of Reb Yisroel and Rav Dessler are rooted in five words of the Ohr HaChayim HaKodesh (commentary on Torah by Rav Chaim Atar) in this week's sedra. When HaShem chose the korban (offering) of Hevel over that of Kayin, the Torah (Chap. 4, v. 6) explains that Kayin became angry and depressed. According to the Ohr HaChayim, Hashem then told him that there was no reason for him to feel this way over "losing out" to his brother. The notion that being recognized and valued by others determines the value of one's actions is false. He should rather focus his attention upon doing good and his actions will then rise heavenward of their own accord. "Ki Hakedusha aina tzericha lacherim Because kedusha, holliness, does not require popular consent."

Kayin had chosen to live in a world of competition, power and control. Such a world leaves room for only one winner, and many angry and disappointed losers. The message that HaShem tried unsuccessfully to teach him was that truth rests within one's inner world, apart from the senseless competition, conspicuous consumption, and invidious comparison that pervades the world at large. Unfortunately, Kayin felt that kedusha demands public recognition and he followed the path of falsehood. The culmination of that path, as Reb Dessler wrote, was murder.

The popular saying, "virtue is its own reward" could really be expanded to say that virtue is its own and only reward. In fact, the Maharal explains that only when virtues are completely intrinsic can one say that he truly possesses them at all. Therefore, chazal (the rabbis of the Talmud) describe a mighty man as one who can conquer himself, a wise man as one who learns from everyone, and a wealthy man as one who is happy with his portion. If strength is a function of muscle-power, wisdom a matter of semichos (rabbinic ordinations) and PhDs, and wealth a result of net worth, then possession of these virtues is relative to one's environment. In some locales he will be seen as comparatively strong, wise, and wealthy, and in others he will not. Only by developing an internalized command of these virtues can he truly say that they are his whenever and wherever he goes.

To leave the world of falsehood behind and enter the world of truth demands developing the innate and internal. It means, writes Rav Dessler, "developing an inner content to ones life and a sense of submission to HaShem and His service without any thought of comparison to others. One's sole desire is to find favor in the eyes of HaShem, thus providing a constant and limitless opportunity for growth."

Chazal do speak of a kinas sofrim, a jealousy amongst students that motivates learning. However, if there is only one measure of success, if only high grades, winning, and physical beauty count, then we must be prepared for the consequences. These consequences include a minority of motivated winners and a growing number of depressed children who feel they will never win, and angry children who will do whatever it takes, fair or unfair, in order to win. I sometimes ask children how they feel when the teacher calls on them and they do not know the answer. I then ask how they feel when their friend does not know the answer, but they do. It is an exercise to show the very fine line between kinas sofrim and miskabed b'kalon chavero, an aveira (transgression) for which one's portion in the world to come is at stake!

The Alter from Slobodka explained that "Hashem created the world with wisdom"(Mishle Ch. 3) and that "wisdom is found in the ayn, in the invisible." (Job Ch. 28) Thus, the true building blocks of the universe, the wisdom of HaShem, lie in what is internal, in what the world does not see. Perhaps children need competition and other external motivators early in their school years (although I never saw a toddler who needed them), but they must eventually be weaned off of them in favor of the true world of inner motivation. Success by virtue of comparison at best leaves one satisfied with merely doing better than the rest. The boundless content of his complete potential may well remain completely untapped once the competitors fall behind. And at its worst, it can lead to the life of sheker, whose path begins with jealousy, and can end in ultimate disaster, G-d forbid. If we desire a path of kedusha for our children, then we must lead them away from invidious comparison and towards their inner selves. Let the immortal words of the Ohr HaChayim, hakedusha aina tzericha lacherim kedusha does not require popular consent - be the cornerstone of our lives and our educational philosophy.

Parsha-Parenting, Copyright (c) 1999 by Rabbi Shlomo Goldberg and Project Genesis, Inc. Rabbi Goldberg is the menahel (spiritual advisor) of Yeshivas Ohr Eliyahu, and a highly acclaimed and popular speaker in Los Angeles.