by Rabbi Shlomo Goldberg

Al Pi Darko - According to His Way
Insights into Chinuch from the Weekly Sedra

Today, a Jew who is dedicated to the knowledge and practice of his religion is termed an "observant" Jew. Whether "dati" or "chareidi," the sine qua non of his commitment to his religion is the level of his religiosity. There was a time not too long ago, however, when such a Jew was not known as a frum - religious Jew, but as an "ehrlich" - honest Jew. The difference is not merely one of semantics, but reflects a substantive philosophical distinction.

Rav Wolbe, shlita, writes that religiosity, i.e. the desire of the created to connect with its Creator, is not necessarily a thoughtful or even intrinsically human characteristic. It is an instinct shared by all of HaShem's creation. As King David wrote, even "the lion cubs roar and ask from G-d their food" and "He gives to the animal its bread, to the young ravens that call to Him." Certainly, this instinct helps us in our service of HaShem. However, writes, Rav Wolbe, shlita, "like all other instincts, it is egotistic, and self-centered by nature. Therefore, it causes a person only to pursue those religious activities that are to his own personal benefit. An act of kindness between man and man or a mitzvah for selfless, pure motivations between man and G-d is not nourished by this instinct. Therefore, one who bases his religious observance on "frumkeit" - instinctive religiosity, will remain self-centered, even if he accepts upon himself many stringencies."

As empty and self-serving as our own avodas HaShem (service of G-d) is when based upon the externalities of "frumkeit" alone, the situation becomes almost criminal when applied to our children's education. To educate our children from a source of ego and self-aggrandizement is to obviously ignore the basic truism, that education needs to be solely for the benefit of the educated, not the educator.

It seems from this week's sedra (Torah reading) that this "ehrlich" approach to chinuch (teaching) was one that could be understood even by those whose overall character was not of the highest caliber. A large portion of our sedra is devoted to Eliezer's attempt to convince Besuel and Lavan to allow Rivka to return with him to the home of Avraham Avinu and to marry Yitzchak. As Eliezer begins to close the deal, (Chap 24, verse 49) he tells Besuel and Lavan, "If you have it in you to do chessed (kindness) and emmes (truth) with my Master, tell me, and if not, tell me, and I will turn to the right or to the left." (i.e. I will search elsewhere for a wife for Avraham's son.) In this statement, Eliezer describes Besuel and Lavan's agreement to send Rivka as an act of both chessed and emmes. The great 16th century Italian commentator, Rabbi Ovadia Seforno, explains that the chessed was in reference to Avraham Avinu. Eliezer was asking them to put aside their desire to marry Rivka to a relative who lived in their own land, and to do a kindness for Avraham by fulfilling his desire that a proper wife be found for his son. The emmes, writes the Seforno, was in reference to Rivka. Eliezer asked them "to desire the benefit and honor that was appropriate for their daughter, by allowing her to enter the house of Avraham Avinu." Eliezer's final request from Rivka's treacherous and evil father and brother was to have the courage to do what was true for the education of their daughter - to allow her to pursue her true destiny, even at the cost of their own personal desires. Evidently, Eliezer felt that even they could not turn away from the obvious justice of selflessly doing what was right for the child.

As parents, teachers, and as educational institutions, we must strive to ensure that the education we provide our young people is, at a minimum, emmes (truth). There are many pitfalls along the way. One of the traps is the tendency to place the welfare of one's particular institution in front of the needs of the individual children within it. Along with the blessing of "school choice" in the world of Torah education, can come the desire to see one's school as the prestigious institution, catering exclusively to the needs of only future leaders of the generation. With this attitude as the school's mission, children are sometimes turned away only because they will not enhance the "reputation" of the school. We are not speaking here of children who have behavioral or emotional problems or of those whose learning needs would strap an already overwhelmed teaching staff. We are referring to good kids, who are average or somewhat below average learners, whose only crime is that their parents are not wealthy and they are not destined to be the Vilna Gaon. As the Rosh Yeshiva of Chofetz Chaim, shlita, put it at a principal's meeting here in Los Angeles several years ago, prestige equals falsehood. And as we learned, chinuch must have only the true needs of each student at its core.

It is easy to find fault with faceless educational institutions for lacking in their truthfulness toward their students. However, the falsehood can pervade our homes as well. Two years ago, the Chofetz Chaim Rosh Yeshiva, shlita, explained that although there are, thank G-d, several schools now in the New York area that serve the needs of children with learning disabilities, they are not as widely utilized as they could be. The reason, he claimed, is due partially to the fact that parents often refuse to send their children to such schools. They are afraid that if word gets out that their son has special needs, this will poison the reputation of the family, and the boy's older sister will then never find a marriage partner! (I once heard a rabbi comment tongue in cheek, that all his children are perfect, they don't even have dandruff!) His recommended solution is to teach parents that HaShem makes marriage partners, and that their job as parents is to do what is truthful for all of their children.

In his brief, but profound work on education, "Zeria U'Binyan BeChinuch," Rav Wolbe, shlita, describes actions that parents call "education," but which are, in reality, no more than expressions of egotism and bad personality traits such as jealousy, hatred, pursuit of honor, anger, arrogance, and, primarily, the desire to dominate others. He cites the following examples: If I see my neighbor's child helping his mother more than my child does, I become jealous. If I then force my child to help more, this is not education, but jealousy, and a desire to rule over the child. If guests arrive and I want my child to greet them politely and behave properly so that I can have nachas when the guests comment on what a well-behaved child I have, this is called pursuing honor for my own benefit. Anger is the emotion I feel when the world does not go according to my wishes. Children do have a tendency to not immediately do what we ask of them. Therefore, in the name of teaching proper respect for parents, we have many opportunities (read, excuses) to express our anger at our children. In addition to the open self-deception contained in such "chinuch," there is the added misfortune of not seeing our children as they really are. Instead of being educated "according to their way," they are treated as objects whose primary purpose is to bring benefit to their parents.

Rav Wolbe, shlita, also mentions the tendency of parents to stress in their children's education those areas that they themselves were lacking in as children. Although the intentions involved in such parenting can be noble, the mere fact that a parent felt something to be lacking in his or her life does not by definition mean that it is absolutely necessary for his or her child, right now. A mother, for example, who grew up in a home in which basic material necessities were lacking, will often go to great lengths to be sure that her child does not lack anything. The effect unfortunately, can be that the child becomes spoiled, expects everything to come to him with no effort, and then rebels against the hand that fed him. A father, for any number of reasons, might not have achieved the success in learning or in life for which he had dreamed. He might then project his unfulfilled hopes onto the "education" of his child, demanding that his child succeed in those areas where he did not. Unfortunately, his child might have a completely different nature and be on a path in which he is having success. But that success might not be fostered due to his father's desire to live through him. The child then finds himself in a hopeless quandary, unable to pursue his own path, yet unable to succeed in the one being forced upon him.

In case there is any doubt left concerning the propriety of such approaches, Rav Wolbe, shlita, concludes with the following admonition: One must know that all of the above-mentioned, supposedly "educational" goals - not only are they not chinuch, they are exactly the opposite of chinuch. We need to remind ourselves that a frum education means an ehrlich education, one in which the teacher takes himself out of the picture, and is focused to the greatest extent possible exclusively on the needs of the child before him. We must be willing to put aside our institution's desire for prestige, and our own personal baggage and poor personality traits, for a true chinuch that allows our children to effectively pursue their unique destiny. If we dedicate ourselves selflessly to the emmes of chinuch, we will surely be rewarded with the chessed of the nachas that we derive from watching them develop into the type people and Jews of whom we can be proud.

Parsha-Parenting, Copyright (c) 1999 by Rabbi Shlomo Goldberg and Project Genesis, Inc. Rabbi Goldberg is the menahel (spiritual advisor) of Yeshivas Ohr Eliyahu, and a highly acclaimed and popular speaker in Los Angeles.