Parshas Ki Sisa

by Rabbi Shlomo Goldberg

Our sages seemingly gave us clear direction when they said that educatingchildren is a matter of the "left hand pushing away and the right handbringing close." However, our attempts at fulfilling our sages' words oftenseem to lack that same clarity.

Let's take a hypothetical example. Child "A" performs some heinous act thatis clearly worthy of punishment. "A's" parents or teacher, clearly upsetover "A's" actions, take away some object or privilege. The punishmentlasts for a period of time ranging somewhere between five minutes and therest of "A's" life. In addition, at no extra charge, "A" gets a lectureabout what a poor excuse he is for a child (especially after all his parentsand teachers have done for him) and what a disappointment he is to family,friends, the entire Jewish people and G-d, Himself.

After five minutes, five hours, or five days, however long it takes for"A's" parents or teacher to calm down, they begin to regret the severity oftheir punishment and in particular, their harsh and demeaning words. Theguilt sounds like this: "After all, we want our children and students tolove us and to love Torah and HaShem, and if we are too harsh we will drivethem away from Judaism and they really are good kids and we can't stand tosee them so miserable and the kids say they hate us now and are mopingaround and it was really our spouse's fault for being so strict or "A's"parents (who are always seem to be major donors to the school) havecomplained to the principal, etc. etc." In retrospect, parents or teachersare now firmly convinced that the punishment was clearly a case of too much"left."

Therefore, it becomes necessary to now bring in the second half of oursages' advice. Since the right hand is understood to be stronger than theleft, they now must figure out a way to undo all that was done and bring "A"really close with the right. So "A" gets to stay up late and have twodesserts, get extra recess and a generous curve on his last test, etc. whilebeing reminded how he really is HaShem's ultimate gift to planet Earth.

What is wrong with this picture is that "A's" parents missed the point ofour sages entirely. Pushing with the left and pulling with the right is nota sequential process. It is a balancing act. The rabbis are telling usthat proper discipline means both pushing and pulling at the same time.Trivializing the rabbis' intent as a carrot and stick behavior modificationapproach is bad enough. But it is downright counterproductive when we aseducators shift sporadically between stick and carrot, thoughtlesslyfollowing the whims of our anger and our guilt.

Rav Simcha Wasserman, ztz"l, had a graphic representation of the truemeaning of "push and pull." If one were to take an object and push it awayfrom oneself with both hands, or pull it toward oneself with both hands, hewill have altered only the distance of the object from him. The objectitself remains unchanged.

However, if one were to push the object with one hand while pulling with theother, then he will succeed in actually turning the object itself around.This is the intent of Sages and the goal of education--to turn the studentto a better path.

Rav Simcha, ztz"l, gave a three step approach that effectively integratesand balances the push and pull of love and discipline. One must be firm,fair, and friendly. Moshe Rabbeinu's actions and attitude in dealing withthe sin of the golden calf provide a striking example of the sensitivity andeffectiveness of this three-pronged approach.

As Moshe descends from Mt. Sinai with the first set of stone Tablets of Law,his loyal student, Joshua, greets him. Joshua tells Moshe that he hears thevoice of war in the camp. According to the Ramban, Moshe tells Joshua thatif he intends to one day lead the Jewish People he had better learn to moreably discern one type of voice from another, for there is neither the soundof the conqueror nor that of the vanquished in the camp. Instead, the voicethat they hear is merely the voice of frivolity, not of war.

In truth, the Ramban continues, Moshe knew the true nefarious nature of thisfrivolity. Why then, did he describe it to Joshua as mere s'chok-laughter?He explains, that "in his great humility, Moshe did not reveal the truenature of the matter to Joshua because he did not want to speakdisparagingly about the Jewish people."

Let us put this "humility" in context. After seeing the Jews celebrating infront of the golden calf, Moshe breaks the Tablets, takes the calf and burnsit, grinds it into a powder and forces the Jews to drink of their own sin.He then sends the tribe of Levi in the camp, armed with their swords to killtheir brothers, their comrades and their relatives who participated in thesin. It is this same Moshe who does not hesitate to command Jews to killJews, who would not dream, G-d forbid, of speaking badly of them!

The explanation of Moshe's behavior is that he knew how to strike thebalance. The sin of the golden calf was a grievous crime the effects ofwhich are felt in every sin performed from that time until today. The crimerequired immediate, firm punishment and Moshe knew it even while speaking toJoshua. However, the necessity of swift and severe consequences does notautomatically open a floodgate in which everything and anything goes.Breaking the Tablets, drinking the golden calf and executing 3000 people,were necessary and fair actions. Speaking disparagingly about them toJoshua was not.

Moshe, who disciplined from a point of humility, sought to preserve thedignity of the nation he was about to punish. He did what he had to do. Heexpressed no remorse for it. But since he loved the people he did not allowhimself even the smallest expression of personal anger or disappointment.He sought instead to protect their dignity and to salvage what he could froma disastrous situation. He was firm, fair, and as friendly as he could be,all at the same time.

The key to Moshe's ability to balance upon the educational tightrope of loveand discipline is found in the Ramban's four word description, "in his greathumility." Our excesses in terms of punishment or in the destructive namecalling and labeling that so often accompanies the punishment, comes when wepunish out of an expression of our anger and frustration, instead of for thechild's benefit. Then, after we realize that we were overly strict, we feelthat we have to compensate by being overly permissive so as to assuage ourguilt. Either way, it is all about us and nothing about the child. It isall about pride, and nothing about humility.

Humility means that as parents and teachers we are commanded to takedisciplinary actions when confronted with behaviors that are against Torahvalues. This is a mandate from HaShem that we must follow. Nowhere does itsay that we must relish it, wallow in it, or expand it. As the saying goes,it's a tough job, but HaShem said we have to do it. It comes with anemotional aloofness as concerns our frustrations, but great empathy towardsthose who will have to pay the unfortunate, but firm and fair consequencesfor their actions.

If our discipline comes from a place of personal anger and upset (even if wehave the presence of mind to couch the anger in the form of apsychologically approved "I message," e.g. "I feel furious when I see youtease your sister," as opposed to "you are a mean, rotten bully") itprovides a victory for the child regardless of the severity of theconsequences. A child is willing to pay a high price for the pleasure ofcontrolling his parents emotions. It's even more fun than aradio-controlled car!

If instead we manage to express our empathy with the child over the painfulconsequences he now must face, we convey a spirit of thoughtful self-controlthat is truly concerning to a child. "I'm so sorry, I know how much youwanted to go out with your friends, and as soon as you get that book reportwritten I'll be happy to drive you there." "I know you don't feel likeworking now, but this math worksheet has to be done. Would you like to doit now with the rest of the class, or would you prefer to do it after schoolwhile your mother waits outside for you?"

A parent or teacher who is calm, firm and empathetic is an adult to becontended with. When rules are fairly applied, when consequences are notarbitrary, when emotionally harmful outburst are avoided, then kids canrelax and even obey. They have ample intelligence to realize that it makesno sense to fight a war of attrition that they know they will lose.

The Red Hefer (which we learn about in the Book of Numbers) had the unusualpower to purify those who were impure, while rendering those who were pure,impure. Rav Simcha Zissel, the founder of the great yeshiva in Kelm,explains that although in terms of ritual impurity we do not understand thisprocess, in education and leadership it is frequently seen. Those who tryto teach and purify others can allow themselves excesses and imbalances thatleave them tainted and at a lower level than where they started. The key isto seek balance from a humble recognition that we are fulfilling a greatresponsibility. In this way Hashem will help us to feel compassion for ourkids and provide the consistency that is the key to effective discipline.

Parsha-Parenting, Copyright (c) 1999 by Rabbi Shlomo Goldberg andProject Genesis, Inc. Rabbi Goldberg is the menahel (spiritual advisor) ofYeshivas Ohr Eliyahu, and a highly acclaimed and popular speaker inLos Angeles.