by Rabbi Shlomo Goldberg

Al Pi Darko - According to His Way
Insights into Chinuch from the Weekly Sedra

There are certain common situations in life, which tend to bring out the worst in people. One of them is standing and waiting in line. This is especially true if the line is, for example, for the #1 bus from the Western Wall in Jerusalem on a Friday afternoon. The temptation to insure one's seat on that bus by following the law of the jungle is almost insurmountable. I recall when one of Jerusalem's great expounders on ethics, Rav Chaim Wolkin, shlita, related that he had finally overcome his yetzer hara (his inclination to go against G-d's desires) and made a difficult decision. No matter how many buses he had to wait for, or even if it meant walking home, he was absolutely not going to push and shove to get onto that bus. It could be that he is still waiting there, but at least he has preserved his humanity.

Other such situations involve food. I heard in the name of Rav Dovid Leibowitz, ztz"l, that the students in the Slobodka Yeshiva formed themselves into small groups which took their meals at the homes of various community members in the town. One of the members of his group consistently arrived first and took the biggest piece of herring for himself. He was soon asked to find a different group to join. In the great Yeshiva of Slobodka, there was an understood rule that the last one to arrive would get the largest piece, since his friends would have naturally left it over for him. One took the least for himself and left over the best for the rest.

Unfortunately, the law of Slobodka usually gives way to what I call the law of the smorgasbord. There, one often finds a massive fear that for the first time in known Jewish banquet history, there might be a shortage of franks-in-a-blanket or a scarcity of just the right pastry at the Viennese table. Such panic sets off a stampede and a shoving match reminiscent of those caused by shouts of fire in a crowded theater. (A friend of mine once had his hand pierced by an errant fork wielded by a celebrant who evidently mistook my friend's hand for a piece of gefilte fish!)

In the home and school the "Mom (or teacher) always liked you best" mentality reigns. "You always call on her," or "You always buy him presents and not me," or the ubiquitous and always popular, "THAT'S NOT FAIR!" grate loudly upon the ears of parents and teachers everywhere. How can we replace the fear of being shortchanged with the calm graciousness expressed by Yaakov Avinu in Parashas Vayishlach in response to Eisav's claim of "yeish li rav, (I have a lot)," of "yeish li kol, (you may have a lot, but I have everything I need)"?

According to Rashi and the Sifsei Chochomim in this week's sedra, the answer lies in an attitude. Pharaoh described the first seven cows that appeared in his first dream as being of "robust flesh and beautiful form." The following seven cows were described as "scrawny and of very inferior form." According to the Sifsei Chochomim's understanding of Rashi, Yosef's interpretation that the cows represented seven years of plenty and seven years of famine, explained only their description as robust or scrawny. Yosef seemingly never responded specifically to their being beautiful or inferior of form. Therefore, Rashi states that this description also implies a sign of plenty. He explains that this beauty of form refers to the appreciation each person would have of the health of each other's livestock. Since there was a feeling of plenty, no one was envious of his friends' possessions, and all could appreciate the beautiful form of his neighbor's cow as well. This lack of envy, the Sifsei Chochomim explains, can only be found in a time of plenty "when people 'greet each other with a shining countenance and give to each other whatever they require, whatever is lacking to him.'" (see Devorim 15:8)

Rashi and the Sifsei Chochomim have established a fundamental principle in middos (character traits). My ability to avoid feelings of envy and perform acts of chesed (loving kindness) is a function of feeling that my cup is full. If I do not have enough to fulfill my needs, then I cannot hope to provide you with yours, and I will even be jealous of any success that you have.

Life does often create situations, more serious than bus lines and buffet tables, where we feel that our needs are not met. The key to keeping our moral balance at such times lies in our ability to perceive that despite my current lack, there is still enough to go around, and I will get what I need when I really need it. I call this the law of the kibbutz: From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs. Such a law may not work as a basis for a country's economic system, but it is essential for the effective functioning of a home or classroom.

The goal is to create a feeling among all stakeholders that if the have a true and reasonable need, then there is every reason to believe that all involved will do all that they can to see that the need is met. There are a few basic skills that one can learn to create this feeling of "yesh li kol." Hashem promises through his prophet that "Before they call to Me, I will answer; while they are still speaking, I will listen." If we are to try to follow in His ways, we must practice the difficult but highly worthwhile skill of anticipating someone else's needs. Try to be sensitive to a situation that needs an act of kindness, and plan to provide it. For example, carry a Band-Aid in your purse or wallet in the event that someone cuts their finger. Put an air freshener in a room that needs it. Notice that your son needs a new baseball mitt, that your daughter could use a few new hair clips and berets, that your wife could use some help with the dishes and that your husband needs some time alone - before they ask for it! This creates a feeling that people know me, understand me, and desire my happiness. The result is that the recipients can then feel confident enough to be givers as well as takers.

When giving children presents, it is better to give to each child separately, at different times, than to succumb to the "if one gets everyone gets" mentality. As long as children are consistently shown that they will eventually have their turn for special attention, they can learn to allow their siblings and classmates to enjoy their moments of glory as well. In addition, parents should consistently make children aware of the value of small things. A child, who feels happiness only when receiving something made by Mattel, will not be able to rejoice in another's success. However, if he or she is reminded of the blessings inherent in having a loving mother and father, or having a soft bed and warm blanket to sleep in, etc., their happiness and generosity are almost guaranteed.

Most importantly, it is crucial to speak often to children about matters of bitachon - trust in HaShem. People, even parents, are limited in their ability to give and anticipate expectations. HaShem, however, can do it all. Books like "Small Miracles," and many of the popular Jewish storybooks, contain beautiful accounts of HaShem providing people with their real needs, often through miraculous means. The most effective stories are those that come from our own experiences, when we tell of feeling HaShem's hand in our own lives. Similarly, one can play Rav Dessler's game of "where did it come from?" Take any common object in your home or classroom and trace back in its creation to the store, factory, raw material, etc., which it was made or came from, until you reach its ultimate source, HaShem. Since everything comes from Him, we have seen Him help us in our lives, and there are so many stories of Him helping others, then we no longer fear that we will lose by giving to others.

If one feels threatened, then he will become defensive. If one feels secure, then he will want to give. Home and school are the places where we can role model and teach the lessons of seven years of plenty, which provide the secure base for caring and giving. Let the law of the smorgasbord be gone and the law of the kibbutz reign within our homes and schools

Parsha-Parenting, Copyright (c) 1999 by Rabbi Shlomo Goldberg and Project Genesis, Inc. Rabbi Goldberg is the menahel (spiritual advisor) of Yeshivas Ohr Eliyahu, and a highly acclaimed and popular speaker in Los Angeles.