by Rabbi Shlomo Goldberg

Al Pi Darko - According to His Way
Insights into Chinuch from the Weekly Sedra

One of the major philosophical errors made in child-rearing is that of equating discipline with punishment. Creating the boundaries for proper behavior and mechanisms to encourage a child's compliance are most surely the basic obligations of all parents. However, not all methods of achieving these goals are created equal.

The Vilna Gaon in his book, Aderes Eliyahu explains that HaShem told Adam that as a result of eating from the tree of knowledge two things would happen. First, that he would now have to work for a living, and secondly that he would eventually die. That he now had to work the earth is considered a "measure for measure" punishment for having relied upon the earth's produce to fulfill his desires. Death, however, explains the Gra, is a natural consequence of having an internalized yeitzer hara (the inner human desire to go against G-d's will, which is constant combat with the yeitzer hatov, the inclincation to do G-d's will). Without the sense of having a limited time on this earth to achieve, man would lose a major weapon in his fight against his more base desires.

When it comes to imitating the ways of HaShem in this area, there is a vast difference between the two methods. Only HaShem can truly devise a perfectly accurate and fitting punishment for a misdeed. This is especially true if the misdeed had a negative personal affect upon the one who is now meeting out the discipline. Our actions as educators must then be limited to the realm of creating situations in which natural consequences may take affect. One of the great benefits of natural consequences is that the moral lesson is self-taught to the student instead of being artificially imposed.. Despite the great urge that we as parents have to turn an effective natural consequence into a resentment breeding punishment through statements like, "I told you so...if you had only listened to me...now you are getting what you deserve...," it behooves us to remain quiet and above the fray, following the example set by Moses in this week's sedra.

The Midrash (Shemos Rabba 5,14) explains that as Moses stood at the burning bush, Hashem told him "and you and the elders of Israel shall go to the king of Egypt" (Exodus 3,18). They were all to bear the message that Pharaoh was to set the Jews free. In fact, we find (Exodus 4,29) that before Moses and Aaron left to bring this message to Pharaoh, they gathered the elders to go with them. However, when what should have been an impressive entourage reached the palace gates, we find that the only ones there were Moses and Aaron, as the Torah states, "and afterwards Moses and Aaron came and said to Pharaoh..." (Exodus 5,1). What happened to the elders who were supposed to be "right behind them," at this most fearful and historic moment?

The Midrash explains that filled with fear at the prospect of facing this evil king, the elders stole away, singularly and in pairs, from behind Moses as they approached the palace of Pharaoh. When Moses turned to exhort his faithful followers to enter the palace, he found himself and Aaron alone with this most fearful and dreaded task.

Moses and Aaron, of course, fulfilled their mission. As for the elders, the midrash states that they received their punishment in this week's sedra. As the Torah recounts the events of Moses approaching Mt. Sinai to receive the Torah, we find that Moses tells the elders that they must remain behind in the camp. Hashem said to them, "if you did not have the courage to stand by Moses in his time of difficulty, then I will pay you back and not allow you join him in his time of glory either." That, the Midrash says, is how HaShem spoke to them in meeting out his measure for measure punishment.

But how did Moshe convey the news to them that they must remain behind? We know what we would have said:

"Aha! Finally you are getting what you deserve! Where were you when I needed you! Finally G-d is punishing you lowly cowards, etc., etc." Moshe, in an outstanding moment of true educational leadership, tells them simply to please go back to the camp so that they can handle any civil legal issues that might arise (Exodus 24,14). He would love for them to come, but their services are needed in the camp while he is gone. Instead of blasting them for their cowardliness and disloyalty, he remains concerned for their honor. >From Moses' response we can learn two important lessons in education. First, that it is not necessary to belabor a point. Life's lessons are abundantly clear, speak loudly for themselves, and need no embellishment from us. A parent in our school told me that as a child, he used his paper route earnings to by a model airplane which his father warned him he would crash and destroy. Disregarding the warning, he bought the plane and crashed it on its maiden voyage. "Do you know what my father said after I crashed it?" the parent asked me. "Absolutely nothing! And the lesson that he taught me through his silence still rings in my ears today."

Secondly, Moses did not allow what would have been very natural personal feeling of hurt and revenge to color his reaction. Especially when our comments could be understood as a desire for our own vindication, and not as purely in the educational interest of the child, it is necessary to remain silent and let life (i.e. HaShem) teach the lesson. In those instances it is most effective to show that we are above the smaller issues of our own hurt feelings, and try to actually cushion the blow of those receiving the education. By retaining the delicate balance of remaining somewhat aloof from the insensitivities of others towards us, but still strongly committed to their welfare and success, we can become effective leaders and educators.

Parsha-Parenting, Copyright (c) 2000 by Rabbi Shlomo Goldberg and Project Genesis, Inc. Rabbi Goldberg is the menahel (spiritual advisor) of Yeshivas Ohr Eliyahu, and a highly acclaimed and popular speaker in Los Angeles.