by Rabbi Shlomo Goldberg

Al Pi Darko - According to His Way
Insights into Chinuch from the Weekly Sedra

Several years ago a friend of mine was offered a newly created administrative position at an "out-of-town" Hebrew Day School. The position being offered was one of significant influence and responsibility. Therefore, while meeting with representatives of the Board of Directors he naturally asked what the principal of the school felt about the new position and about my friend's candidacy. The response of the Board was, "The Principal? You mean Rabbi X? Well, uh, we saw no reason to get him all worked-up over this until we spoke with you first."

Needless to say, this was the first and final discussion my friend had with this institution. He did not need to utilize his many years of Talmud study to realize that despite much talk of autonomy and leadership, if he took the position, the Board would have no hesitation in doing to him what they were doing to the current educational leader. Similarly, when I interview candidates for openings at our school as to why they are leaving their current position, I am sometimes treated to a litany of complaints against their current employer. Since I am an employer who has enough challenges in life, thank you, I try not to hire people with a history of being allergic to their employers!

As noted author Stephen Covey puts it, "You cannot talk your way out of problems that you have behaved your way into." In a word, we call it loyalty or trust. If we desire to establish secure, long-term relationships in our family, social, or business life, then we need to examine the components and de-components of trusting relationships.

The essential relationship that exists in the life of a Jew is that which was established at Mount Sinai between us and our Creator. The Rambam in the eighth chapter of Hilchos Yesodei HaTorah ("The Laws of the Foundations of the Torah") explains that this relationship is based solely upon the immediate experience of the entire Jewish people communicating directly with HaShem, and by "overhearing" HaShem communicate with Moses, at Mount Sinai. Although every prophet had to initially establish his credentials by performing signs and wonders, these miracles, even those performed by Moses in Egypt, are not the source of our belief. The fault with basing belief on miracles is that while they may be impressive, there often remains some nagging doubt as to whether the miracle was real or merely the result of a fortunate set of natural circumstances. The secular world maintains, for example, that some sort of planetary alignment caused the waters of the Red Sea to split or that the plague of darkness was really a solar eclipse. Miracles leave room for doubt.

The Rambam writes that when establishing the relationship upon which all of Torah will be built there could be no room for any doubt whatsoever. Therefore, the entire Jewish nation had to hear Hashem speak directly to them, and in order to establish the authenticity of the prophecy of Moses, they had to hear Hashem speak to him as well. Conversely, the gematria (numeric equivalent of the Hebrew word) of Amalek, the nation that stands as the great opponent to our faith, is the same as that of sahfek-doubt.

A clear allusion to the dangers of doubt can be found in our prayers, as well. When doubts exist there can be no real relationship. Thus, we find that when we ask Hashem to "return our judges and counselors to us as in the days of old," we say that by so doing Hashem will "remove from us pain and sighing." It seems that the authors of our Amidah, the silent payer that is the essential centerpiece of our prayer service, could have said the same thing about any of the blessings that we request from HaShem, for example, give us knowledge and remove from us pain and sighing, give us health and wealth and remove pain and sighing, etc. Why does the prayer for sage advice and judgement seem to be the key to happiness and peace of mind?

Our sages tell us that "there is no joy that can be compared to that of having a doubt resolved." From this we can infer that there is likely no pain comparable to that of being unclear as to what to do or how to proceed. As long as doubt exists there can be no ultimate confidence and no peace of mind. Hence, there can also be no real relationship with a person whom we have doubts about either.

Based upon this introduction, we can now come to better understand the mitzva of the ritual of the waters of the Sotah discussed in this week's parasha. The Torah explains that if a man discovered that his wife had been secluded with another man, had warned her not to do so again, but found them together on yet another occasion, he had the right to suspect her infidelity. The Torah then prescribes a ritual through which the truth of the woman's actions could be determined in a miraculous fashion. The Sefer HaChinuch explains that the reason for this ritual was not to attempt to punish the man's wife. Rather, the intent was to remove any trace of doubt from the heart of the husband about the loyalty of his wife. For as we said, if there are doubts there can be no relationship.

It can also be understood why our sages stated that when promiscuity became rampant among the Jewish people, the waters of the Sotah were no longer used. Or, if a husband had ever been in the same situation as he was accusing his wife of being in, the waters of the Sotah also would not work. The purpose of the test of the waters of the Sotah was to reestablish confidence and trust. But if influences external to or intrinsic within the relationship had already created a situation of inherent doubt, then the purpose of the test of the waters of the Sotah was undermined.

The Midrash on the topic of the Sotah compares the relationship between a husband and wife to that of a guardian of a valuable object. Each spouse is entrusting themselves to the care and protection of the other. Clearly, one cannot enter into a guardianship relationship if they doubt the sincerity and the trustworthiness the guard.

How can we work to establish the security and trust that our relationships demand? Trust is aptly described by Covey as a combination of character and competence. An angry surgeon can kill a patient, G-d forbid, no matter how accurately he yields his scalpel. However, a kind surgeon with an excellent bedside manner but poor fine motor coordination is also not exactly what the patient ordered.

In the family, character and competence means that we must work to develop consistency in the behavioral traits which are necessary for success in interpersonal relationships. Imagine you met a person who was kind and considerate 90% of the time, but was prone to violent episodes 10% of the time-but you never know when the 10% will strike. How comfortable will you feel having a conversation, much less establishing a relationship with such a person? Imagine now that your spouse or child realizes that you only get angry 10% of the time. What does this doubt as to your lack of character do for the longevity of the relationship? Consistency in character and in caring is a primary component of trust.

However, with all the great traits in the world, it is still necessary to know what we are doing as parents and husbands and wives. I am not yet recommending a mandatory licensing program for marriage or parenting. However, adults who find themselves in such positions should make time to read, consult, and study the subject of marriage and family. Along with Chumash (Torah) and Talmud, marriage and family should be required courses of study in our Jewish high schools. In addition, each member of the family is a subject material by themselves that needs to be studied and learned in-depth. If children see their parents acting inconsistently and without knowledge and conviction, then there will be justifiable doubts in the children's minds (especially if they are teenagers) that are destructive to the relationship.

When asked the key to successful child-raising, Rav Pam, shlita, stated that it is dependent upon two things: prayer and a peaceful home environment. To create that peace, HaShem was willing to have His holy name erased in the waters of the Sotahin order to restore trust between a husband and his wife. The Maharal explains that Shalom (peace) is also one of HaShem's names. Therefore He chose to have His lesser name, HaShem, erased in order to create the existence of His greater name, Shalom, within a Jewish home. By removing as much doubt as possible by creating trust born of behavior traits and actions, then we are following HaShem's example in creating homes of trust, security and peace.

Parsha-Parenting, Copyright (c) 1999 by Rabbi Shlomo Goldberg andProject Genesis, Inc. Rabbi Goldberg is the menahel (spiritual advisor) ofYeshivas Ohr Eliyahu, and a highly acclaimed and popular speaker inLos Angeles.