by Rabbi Shlomo Goldberg

Al Pi Darko - According to His Way
Insights into Chinuch from the Weekly Sedra

Our generation's conception of the role played by fathers in child-raising can probably best be described by the phrase coined by the mothers of America, "JUST YOU WAIT UNTIL YOUR FATHER GETS HOME!" Father, hoping to be greeted by his loving family bearing his pipe, newspaper, and slippers, finds himself instead in the unfavorable situation of administering discipline for a situation that he often knows little or nothing about. But Father is his name, and therefore, punishment is his game.

I can still remember the feeling of surprise in the Bais Hamussar Yeshiva when Rav Wolbe, shlita, stated that in a Jewish home it is the mother who represents the attribute of strict justice, while it is the duty of the father to embody attributes of compassion and mercy. Although the concept at first seemed extremely counterintuitive, further consideration led to some obvious examples of this from the Torah. It was, after all, our matriarch, Sarah, who sent Yishmael out of the house for the high crime and misdemeanor of inappropriate laughter. It was our patriarch, Avraham, who opposed the action and acceded to it only upon G-d's command. Similarly, it was , our matriarch, Rivka, who saw through the deceptive religiosity of Eisav, while it was our patriarch, Yitzhak, who loved Eisav despite his failings. While our forefathers had mercy, our foremothers, thank G-d, ran a very tight tent!

This spiritual division of labor also seems to be inherent in the Hebrew words for mother and father. Aym, mother, (aleph-mem) is also the root of the words for truth (emmes), belief (emuna), and a craftsman (uman). The common thread that unites these words is the notion of firm, steadfast commitment.

On the father's side, we find that Yosef described himself to his brothers as an av, a father to Pharaoh. Rashi, in his comment on this verse, defines the word av as a chaver, friend, and a patron, defined by the Maharal as a captain who steers his ship over stormy seas. Rav Shimon Schwab, ztz"l, explains that the essence of this friendship lies in a father's ability to be seen as a trusted confidant. Thus, the first use of the word friend in the Torah was reserved for Chira Ha'adulami, the friend of Yehuda, who deserved this accolade because Yehuda was able to confide in him about his less than noble activities.

Similarly, in this week's sedra, the Medrash notes that HaShem was concerned that when He called to Moshe from the burning bush, the shock of such a wonder might scare him away. Therefore, when HaShem called to him, uttering the words that would change the course of Jewish history, He "made His voice like that of Amram, Moshe's father, so as not to frighten him." It was hearing his beloved father's voice from the bush that insured that Moshe would respond, "Hineini, I am here, and ready to serve." Although the Talmud does state that a child naturally fears his father more than his mother (Kedushin 31a), Rashi explains that the "fear" spoken of here is born of the fact that his father is the one who teaches him Torah. It is a type of reverence that results from a relationship to Torah, not a fear that is found in a belt strap. In the Torah's view, a father is a source of wisdom, leadership, and security, one to whom a child can admit even his mistakes, much more a friend than "The Enforcer."

Therefore, our sages were vehement in their command that "it is forbidden for a man to place aima yesera b'toch baiso, too much fear within his home." The definition of what comprises, "too much fear" provides a penetrating insight into the Jewish definition of abuse. The Shulchan Aruch (O.C. 220:2) states that "on Erev Shabbos before sundown one should ask the members of his household in a soft voice, 'did you make an eiruv, did you tak

e challa?' And he should say to them, 'Light the candles.'" The Magen Avraham, explains that a soft voice must be used "since it is forbidden to place too much fear within one's home. For if they (the members of his household) are afraid, they will profane the Shabbos, feed him non-kosher food, and come to perform many other transgressions."

From this halacha, as well as the juxtaposition of several statements of our sages in Tractate Gittin (6b), Rav Wolbe, shlita, explains that the level of "too much fear" is reached, when family members would rather lie than admit their mistakes, for fear of the impending reaction to their admission. Better to say that the candles were lit on time, that challa was taken, that the eiruv was made, that the food is kosher, than to admit the truth and have to deal with the resulting anger, recrimination, and punishment. Our notion of an abusive home-life is one in which family members cannot be honest about their feelings, emotions, and actions, for fear of the consequences. It is not reached at the point of what the world calls physical or emotional abuse, but rather even when a father says what needs to be said, but doesn't say it softly!

What the Torah requires is that we "emotionally childproof" our homes. We must make them into places where it is OK to be honest and make mistakes. To do so requires that we adopt the Torah's definition of gevura, - might and power. The addition of the words mashiv haruach u'morid hageshem (Hashem makes the wind blow and the rain fall) in the standing Amidah prayer is termed by our sages as "gevuras hageshamim," the power of the rain. The Tosafos at the beginning of Tractate Ta'anis ask why our sages chose the word "gevura" to describes Hashem's control of the rain, over other likely candidates such as "koach," - strength, or "gedulah" - greatness. They answer that the Torah's concept of power and might, "gevura," is a combination of strength tempered with greatness. The Ramban in our sedra expresses the nature of this gedulah, -greatness - in terms of Moshe Rabeinu. "Vayigdal Moshe," (and Moshe grew up, or literally, "became great") means that he became a man of understanding. Thus we understand Hashem's control of the rain not by his ability to create the awesome power of tornadoes and hurricanes. It is better seen when the power to make rain is used with understanding to have it fall in the proper amount, in the right place, at an appropriate time. That is gevura. As our sages say, the mighty man is not one who is a middle linebacker for the Broncos, but one who can "conquer his own inclinations." Strength is found in the "small, still voice." It is "not in strength or in valor, but through My spirit, says the Al-mighty." Thus, discipline is not power and control. It is the right amount of structure, to the right child, at the right time.

In a home where the mother abdicates her responsibility as the strict guardian of the home and leaves it instead "until your father gets home," the children pay the price. Let's strive to understand what our job descriptions truly are as fathers and mothers. Let's see to it that our homes are emotionally childproofed. In this way our children will see in us true gevura, they will feel comforted by hearing our voice, and be willing to share their feelings, successes and failures with us. With HaShem's help we can then be confident that they will also be eager to follow the path of Torah that we are placing before them.

Parsha-Parenting, Copyright (c) 1999 by Rabbi Shlomo Goldberg and Project Genesis, Inc. Rabbi Goldberg is the menahel (spiritual advisor) of Yeshivas Ohr Eliyahu, and a highly acclaimed and popular speaker in Los Angeles.