by Rabbi Shlomo Goldberg

Al Pi Darko - According to His Way
Insights into Chinuch from the Weekly Sedra

There is a popular saying these days that advises, "Don't sweat the small stuff - and it's all small stuff." It is true that a person needs to prioritize; and, as one Chassidic Rebbe put it after he had lost a large sum of money, "Since I will no longer be agonizing over this ten years from now, I may as well stop right now." However, one should certainly not take this to mean that details and minor actions are not significant. The reality is quite to the contrary. The Torah teaches for example, that even the casual conversation between husband and wife will be recounted to them at the time of heavenly judgement. And the difference between one who serves G-d and one who does not, is that the one who serves G-d reviews his studies 101 times, while his less dedicated companion only reviews 100 times. And when HaShem wants to determine who is fit to be a leader, He tests him specifically with small things. It seems that the saying should be changed to, "Don't sweat the small stuff - but we haven't yet come across any small stuff."

In fact, it is just such a seemingly insignificant detail that the Torah designates as a major factor in the difference between the spiritual success of Avraham Avinu, and the decimation and destruction of his nephew, Lot. As the three angels disguised as Arabs accept the hospitality of Avraham Avinu, the Torah notes that he asked them to wash their feet before they entered his tent. Although Avraham had no problem in extending his chessed (kindness) even to Arabs who worship the dust of their feet, he was strict to draw the line and insist that they rid themselves of their god (that is, the dust on their feet, which the Talmud tells us, was one of their gods) before they entered his home. When the angels then proceed to the home of Lot in Sedom, Lot also instructs them to wash the dust off of their feet. However, in the case of Lot, the Ohr HaChaim (Rav Chaim ben Atar, Morocco, died 1743) is quick to point out he asked them to do so only after they would enter his home. Lot did act to remove the idols from his guests, and according to Rashi, by waiting he hoped only to protect them from the people of Sedom. Yet, his lack of total vigilance was rooted in a deep-seated spiritual defect that in the environment of Sedom grew to be destructive. According to Rav Yitzchok Isaac Sher, ztz"l, Lot had come to Sedom in order to bring its inhabitants closer to the path of Avraham Avinu. Still, once his home was no longer a sterile environment, Lot and his family quickly succumbed to infection from the contagious moral diseases of Sedom.

By definition, a home is a building that has a roof to protect its inhabitants from the elements, and walls to seclude them from the outside world. In this vein, we find great segments of the Jewish people, and great Yeshivos of the days of the Talmud, referred to as batim - homes: Bais Aharon, Bais Levy, Bais Shammai, and Bais Hillel. Rav Wolbe, shlita, once explained that a house is a place that affords those who dwell within it the protection needed to develop a unique approach to learning and to life. Thus, one who was raised in the house of a Cohen or Levy received a unique understanding of the nature of holiness. Similarly, one who studied in the yeshiva of Bais Hillel had an approach to Torah that was recognizably different that that of one indoctrinated into the approach of Bais Shammai.

To create a unique "home-grown" approach that can sustain itself against the outside world, the environment in which it grows must be as pure as possible. In a dust-free environment, a silicon chip can be formed that is capable of running a super computer. But one speck of dust can render the chip incapable of running even the most basic computations. Thus, the seemingly small nuance of allowing the dust of the feet of his guests to momentarily enter his home, was enough to ensure that Lot would be amongst the "influencees," and not amongst the "influencers".

Avraham Avinu was well aware that like the blood of the red heifer, which purified the impure while causing impurity in those who were pure, attempting to "purify the impure" among the idolaters could result in "defiling the pure" who were trying to teach them. Therefore, Avraham pitched his tent "between Bais El and the Ai," at the crossroads outside of the cities. He was certainly concerned with bestowing both physical and material kindness upon all of G-d's people. But he did so only by having them come to him, not by immersing himself in their society. Similarly, although he prayed for the salvation of Sedom, he was not foolish enough, like Lot, to set up a branch of his outreach program on their home field. And although Avraham fought to save Lot from the hand of oppressors, he did not hesitate to exile him from his home at the first sign that Lot posed a threat to its ethical integrity. Above all, Avraham realized that his ability to stand strong against the immoral forces of the world he was trying to change, was predicated on the holiness and security of his own home. Therefore, Rashi explains in last week's Torah portion (Lecha Lecha), that when Avraham came to a new encampment, the first thing he did was to pitch the tent of his wife, Sarah. Only when his home, the bastion of his strength, was secure, did he feel that he had the resources to stand in moral battle against the forces of the popular culture of his time.

I am often amazed at how some parents will pay many thousands of dollars to imbue their children with a Jewish education based on holiness and purity, and will simultaneously allow influences from the worst elements of secular culture to enter their living rooms and bedrooms. They are paying their school to pour Torah into their children, while they concurrently drill holes to empty that same Torah out! It is the spiritual equivalent of paying a personal trainer to supervise one's workout at the gym, and then returning home to order pizza and ice cream from the local fast food joint!

I do not feel that our Torah requires us to live in a cocoon, separate from secular knowledge, or, moreover, from a sense of obligation to reach and to teach our fellow Jews. But I do know that the Torah teaches that our ability to be of the "influencers" and not of the "influencees," is predicated on the strength we gain from the holiness of the homes that we provide. Since we only go around once in life, we should try to grab for all of the holiness we can. This means spiritually weatherproofing our homes from outside influences. It also creates an obligation to furnish meaningful, enjoyable, and wholesome activities that support a Jewish atmosphere, ones which provide a pleasant alternative to the alien allure of the popular culture.

We need to "sweat the small stuff" because it is the continuous small actions that build us, and the relentless chipping away at the fortress of our homes that wears us down. Let us not forget for a moment our obligation to improve the world, influencing others with the beauty of Judaism. But let us do it in the successful manner of Avraham and Sarah, from the safety and security of homes fortified with Torah and Jewish values.

Parsha-Parenting, Copyright (c) 1999 by Rabbi Shlomo Goldberg and Project Genesis, Inc. Rabbi Goldberg is the menahel (spiritual advisor) of Yeshivas Ohr Eliyahu, and a highly acclaimed and popular speaker in Los Angeles.