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Parshas Yisro

by Rabbi Shlomo Goldberg

Al Pi Darko - According to His Way
Insights into Chinuch from the Weekly Sedra

If we were looking for candidates for which to name the section of the Torahwhich includes G-d's giving of the Torah to the Jewish people, there wouldcertainly be many nominees. Parashas Har Sinai, parashas na'aseh v'nishma(we will do and we will say), parashas aseres hadibros (the 10 commandments)all come to mind. But our tradition, in its wisdom, chose to ignore oursuggestions and to name the parsha instead for a Midianite convert, Yisro,Jethro, Moshe's father-in-law. Although one could simply commend MosheRabbeinu for the wise decision of flattering his father-in-law, there isobviously a deeper connection between the personality traits of Yisro andthe essence of receiving Torah.

Yisro is referred to in the Bible by several different names. One of themwas Yeser, which is the same as Yisro, minus the letter vov. Our sagesexplain that his name was originally Yeser, but once he decided to enter"under the wings of the Divine Presence" and join the Jewish people, theletter vov, was added to his name. Whenever letters are added to orsubtracted from the names in the Bible, the letters chosen are always thoseof Hashem's name, reflecting an increased or decreased connection to Him.In addition, we find that these letters are sometimes taken from oneperson's name and given to another, as in the case of the yud from Sarai,which was conferred upon Yehoshua (Joshua), and the exchange of vovimbetween Yaakov Avinu and Eliyahu HaNavi. If we can discern where Yisromight have derived his vov, perhaps we can also discover the specialrelationship between Yisro and the receiving of the Torah.

In Parashas Chayei Sarah we find Avraham Avinu attempting to purchase thecave of Machpela from Efron the Hitite. Despite his magnanimous offer togive the cave to Avraham as a gift, Efron instead charges him well above thefair market price. If one observes the spelling of Efron's name during thisnegotiation, he will find it spelled consistently with a vov until heactually takes the money from Avraham. At that point the vov isconspicuously missing from his name. Our Sages use Efron as the paradigm ofone who "says much, but does not do even a little," the opposite of Avrahamwho in his encounter with the three angels said little, promising only asmall snack, but delivered a meal fit for a Pico Kosher Deli party platter.There is a simple reason why those who say little do much, and those who saymuch, do little. If one is busy speaking, then by definition, he is notlistening. Furthermore, the Maharal explains that speech is primarily aphysical force, while thought is an intellectual power. As we know, the bodyand mind cannot rule simultaneously. Hence, at any specific point in time,a person is either speaking or thinking, but not both. Therefore, Efron andall other big talkers become poor listeners and shallow thinkers. Despitetheir big promises, they remain ignorant of what they really need to do.

It therefore seems appropriate that the vov that was taken from Efron wouldfind an appropriate home as the final letter in the name of Yisro. Thefirst word used by the Torah to describe Yisro in our parsha is "vayishma"- and Yisro listened." There were many people who had heard the same eventsthat Yisro had heard, the Jews leaving Egypt, the splitting of the Sea ofReeds, the war with Amalek. But Yisro was the only person who not onlyheard, but also listened, and therefore took the intellectually honest nextstep of joining the Jewish people. Efron lost his vov because he was toobusy talking to listen. Yisro acquired that vov because he was able tolisten to the deeper meaning of events that all others had chosen to ignore.Rav Dessler explains: There is listening for the sake of knowing andlistening for the sake of doing. "And Yisro heard". Everyone heard, but heheard and came to the desert. Many years later, at the time of Joshua,Rachav said, "We heard that you conquered," but she heard and converted,while the rest heard and declared war. The meaning of mussar study (studydirected towards self-growth and improvement in personality traits) is toapproach mussar with the intention of learning in order to change oneself.If this is one's intent, then he will listen.

In the 6th chapter of Pirkei Avos, our Sages delineate forty-eight differenttraits that a person must develop if he wishes to acquire Torah. Thoselisted at the beginning and at the end are specifically dependent uponYisro's forte, refining one's ability to listen.

The first trait is that of b'talmud (with learning). If one wishes toacquire Torah, he must first of all sit and learn. However, the rabbisexplain that b'talmud refers specifically to the process of listening to,and thereby learning from, a teacher. Torah is not merely a discipline tobe studied; it is a tradition to be transmitted. One who cannot listen tohis Rebbe is outside of the process of tradition and will never possess trueTorah knowledge. The second of the traits is termed shmias ha'ozen -listening of the ear. This refers to carefully attuning ones ear toascertain the details and nuances contained within the Torah. It meanslearning from what is specifically not said and from what is written betweenthe lines. The final trait mentioned in Pirkei Avos is that of omer d'varbshem ohmro - attributing ones statements to their original author, also acharacteristic dependent upon careful recollection of the content of whatone has learned.

Yisro is the individual who embodied the trait of effective listening, thetrait which stands at the beginning and at the end of taking ownership ofTorah. It is therefore only fitting that his name crown the parsha of thereceiving of the Torah itself.

The ability to listen to the Torah is also the key to success in prayer.King Solomon wrote that if one turns away his ear from listening to Torah,his prayer would also be an abomination. The reason is obvious. If onedoes not listen to the Torah and its values and priorities, then he will notknow what to pray for. He might possess heartfelt goals and aspirations,and he may ask for HaShem's help in achieving them, but he may be asking forthings that are the opposite of the Torah's desire for him. It isworthwhile to remember that the principle of "the way in which a man desiresto go he will be led" was said in reference to Bilam, the non-Jewish prophetwho tried to curse the Jews! One can pray, and have his prayer answered,but his prayer might still be an abomination.

Not only in terms of Torah and prayer, which both represent commandmentsbetween the Jew and his Maker, is the ability to listen a key to success,but it is also the key to effective leadership. Moshe Rabeinu told thejudges of his day that they should bring to him every difficult matter, "andI will listen to it." The ability to give sage counsel and true judgmentwas seen by our greatest prophet as primarily a function of listening. TheRamban explains that Moshe chided Joshua as to his ability to lead theJewish people when Joshua misrepresented the sound of the Jews in the campduring the sin of the golden calf: "You hope one day to rule over 600,000Jews, and you cannot discern one type of voice from another?" Rav Hutner,ztz"l, understood our sages' statement that a wise person is greater than aprophet (even though one of the conditions of meriting prophecy was that onealready be a wise person) also to be function of listening. A prophet, heexplained, understands HaShem's will when HaShem is talking. A talmudchochom, one who is wise in his learning, however, can discern HaShem'sdesires even in exile when the voice of the Al-mighty seems hidden andsilent.

The skill of effective listening, which is mandatory for true involvement inTorah, prayer and communal leadership, is also the key to successfulleadership within our homes and schools. There are many informative booksand articles available today, from both Torah and secular sources, whichdescribe the skills of effective listening. Many of these skills can beused as successfully in one's office as they can in one's living room orclassroom. What elevates my communication with my spouse, my child or mystudent over that of my business partner or customer, is that I communicatewith those closest to me from a point of unconditional love. It is thistype of love that is unique to the relationship between parents andchildren, and to those teachers who rise to the Torah's definition ofteacher as surrogate parent.

Unconditional love is an appealing, but often somewhat nebulous term. Inits essence, it means trying to avoid manipulation, coercion and quick fixesas a way of controlling other people's behavior. It means expanding ournotion of what is acceptable within Torah guidelines so that as many of ourloved ones as possible feel that they have a place within our homes, ourschools and yeshivos, our communities and within the world of Torah as awhole. Above all, it means developing an earnest desire to truly understandother people on their own terms, from within their own world, withoutenforcing quick judgements, snap decisions, and other responses based on ourlife experiences, upon them.

None of the above will happen unless we learn to say little and listen much.HaShem created us all with a deep inner world of thoughts, feelings andmotivations. It is a world hidden completely from others, known only to theperson himself and to his Maker. We can never force our way into thisworld. We can only hope to touch pieces of it by gaining the trust of thosewhom we love and allowing them to reveal it to us piece by piece.

To do so, we must follow the teachings of our sages when they said, "bedeliberate in judgment" - be sure you have done all that you can tounderstand your child, student, or spouse before you judge them. "Raise upmany students" - expand the possibilities for ways that others maycontribute, and widen your definitions of success. If our schools areplaces where success is defined solely in terms of academic excellence, thenthose students whose talents lie in other realms will look elsewhere to findplaces that will appreciate them. A child's need to feel success is similarto his need for oxygen. We cannot starve him of air and expect him to notsearch for a place that will allow him to breathe. Unfortunately, the "costof living" in that new place is likely to be more than we can afford tobear. Finally, we must "build a fence around the Torah". The fence neednot be one of electrified barbed wire; it can be a "fence of roses" which isrespected because of its beauty. We must strive to have others willingly"buy in" to our vision of truth and Torah, instead of using punishment andpower, coercion and manipulation to force their involvement.

The blessing of "ahava raba," the 2nd of two blessings we say before theShema, gives us an important insight into how to truly reach and teach allpeople, especially those whom we love. In that blessing, we ask of HaShemto place within our hearts the ability "to understand, to know, to listen,to learn, to teach, to keep and to perform all of the words of Your Torah,with love." Common wisdom would assume that first one would need to listen,and then he could hope to understand and know. It seems from the order ofthe words in this blessing, however, that our sages feel that only after wehave put forth the effort to truly know and understand other people, can wesay that we have begun to listen to what they have to say.

Unfortunately, in many of our conversations, even those that deal withjugular issues of true import to our lives and relationships, we make themistake of concentrating on how we will respond and what we will teach, evenwhile our friend is still speaking. Our energy would be more effectivelyspent in trying with our full effort to try to understand the one who isspeaking on his own terms and to truly empathize with his feelings. Onlyafter we have understood, comprehended, listened and thereby learned, can wethen hope to teach, guard and do. So often we try to counsel, advise andjudge before we have paid our loved ones the courtesy of truly listening towhat they have to say while trying to the best of our ability to feel whatthey are feeling. The effect is that they tend to close up instead ofsharing themselves with us.

We all tend to look at the world through "I" colored glasses. We assumethat what we have experienced, what we think, what we would have done, areimmediately and effectively applicable to the lives of others. We thereforethreaten, cajole, use guilt, or otherwise imprint our autobiography on thelives of our children. "Do you realize how hard your mother and I work topay for your tuition at your Yeshiva? Why, when I was your age . . .Don'tyou realize that this is the tradition that I received from my father, whoreceived it from his father, who received it from his father, all the wayback to Mt. Sinai?"

A child who is appealed to in such a manner soon realizes that it is uselessto respond and will probably try to find someone else who will listen. Inreality, our sages teach that when HaShem gave the Torah on Mt. Sinai, hespoke "according to the strength of each and every person" who was there.There was not a singular Receiving of the Torah from the point of view ofthe Giver. Rather, there were three million individual actions where theTorah was revealed in a manner commensurate with each Jew's ability tounderstand and live by it. It was a designer fit, not "one size fits all."Similarly, our sages teach that the Holy Ark took up no space. Those whorepresent Torah must also strive to remove their ego from the process andfocus solely on facilitating the growth of their children and students.Therefore, teachers are advised to teach in a concise manner. If they speakless, they can thereby listen and teach more.

The vast majority of arguments in the Talmud between Bais Hillel and BaisShammai are resolved in favor of Bais Hillel. The Talmud explains that oneof the reasons that we follow the opinion of Bais Hillel was their policy tofirst state the opposing opinion of Bais Shammai before they stated theirown. In other words, Bais Hillel listened first, and were sure they fullyunderstood the opposing point of view, before they took the decisive step ofdisagreeing and offering their own opinion.

As a principal and community Rav for several years, and above all, as afather of teenagers, I have been the arbiter of many disputes betweenhusbands and wives, parents and children, and teachers and students. I havediscovered a process that is extremely effective in uniting the opposingsides. While the first party speaks, the other person is not allowed to saya single word until: 1) the first person is finished speaking; 2) thelistener can repeat back what the speaker said, including a recognition ofthe emotional content, e.g. you are frustrated because . . .or it makes youangry when . . .; 3) the speaker states that they are satisfied that thelistener fully understands their position. Only then can the listenerbecome the speaker, offering their opinion of events while the originalspeaker now follows the above mentioned steps.

It is incredible how many problems disappear when people fight the urge todefend, diagnose and disparage, and decide just to listen instead. It isusually even acceptable that the other side disagrees. Generally speaking,people prefer disagreement expressed with empathy, i.e. an attempt tounderstand their position from their point of view, to sympathy, i.e. acondescending agreement with their position.

More important than any technical training in active listening or otherskills is approaching every emotionally charged conversation with a truefeeling of empathy and an honest desire to understand. This concretedisplay of unconditional love serves to compensate for any technical fauxpas or emotional awkwardness. As the popular saying goes, people need toknow that your care, before they will care about what you know.

Years ago, a Rav who has a heart ailment told me of a visit he made to theoffice of a leading cardiologist in NYC. After the usual round of EKGs,stress tests, and ultrasounds, the doctor performed one final test beforegiving his diagnoses and prescription. He had the Rav lay quietly on theoffice table, turned off all machines, lowered the lights, and carefullyplaced his ear upon the Rav's chest. He wanted to hear with his own ear,the undistorted sound of the beating of his patient's heart. This is theimage that is worthy to keep in mind when those we love muster the courageto try to speak with us about their real feelings and ideas: an image of ourears placed upon their hearts - no distractions, no preconceived judgments,no autobiographical distortions. Just a desire to understand the heart ofanother person as it beats within their unique body.

For Torah, prayer, and times of turmoil, there is no substitute forempathetic, understanding listening. If we desire to follow in the path ofYisro, the path of intellectual honesty and true human achievement, then wemust learn to hold our own opinions in abeyance and listen to what ourTorah, our teachers, and our loved ones are trying to say. As Moshe Rabeinutaught (through the eyes of the Seforno) picture in your mind, and thinkdeeply, and you will listen to the voice of HaShem without a doubt.

Parsha-Parenting, Copyright (c) 1999 by Rabbi Shlomo Goldberg andProject Genesis, Inc. Rabbi Goldberg is the menahel (spiritual advisor) ofYeshivas Ohr Eliyahu, and a highly acclaimed and popular speaker inLos Angeles.