"WHO HAS NOT MADE ME A WOMAN"
A Summary of Student Responses
HI LEAH,
You are the first person that has been able to describe the concept of the
not making me a woman prayer in a way I can understand. I don't know a lot
about Judaism, but enough to know how precious women are viewed. That prayer
was very bothersome to me in spite of that knowledge. You have been very
helpful.
KAREN
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DEAR MRS. KOHN,
Re: the prayer said by men "....not having made me a woman"
I remember when I volunteered for a Jewish women's shelter, and many girls
there expressed their resentment towards that phrase in the prayer. It was
sad to see how much they had become a product of society. I suppose they felt
that the statement was derogatory and had to defend themselves. I guess
modern women always feel they are products of great injustice. I personally
was surprised by the phrase the first time I read it, having been influenced
by feminine views along the way. But now that I look at it, I wouldn't want
to be a man either. I think a Jewish woman has a very special place in
Hashem's plan, and that we are placed on a very high spiritual level that
even men cannot understand or imitate. So I don't think the phrase was meant
to debase women, but to elevate us to a very special level.
SHAYNA
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DEAR MRS. KOHN:
Do you think it is naive to express surprise that anyone would be troubled
by the prayer "who has not made me a woman?" It seems to me that the very
reason you do not feel troubled by it is because, as you said, "For as long
as I can remember I had been surrounded by men who each morning recited the
prayer..." In other words, it was fed to you with your mother's milk, and it
is all you know. It is very hard to question that which comprises your
childhood and your world, especially if your upbringing has, thank Heaven,
been a happy one. (By the way, spousal abuse among the ultra-orthodox is not
less than in the public at large, and some argue it's higher, and hidden
under the cover of "Shalom Bayit" (harmony in the home))...
I also believe that wrestling with the text is indeed a Jewish tradition! And
so it is not revolutionary or even rebellious to question liturgy and Torah,
as long as we do it for the sake of Heaven...The Ten Commandments appear
twice in the Torah. The first time it is written, "You shall not covet your
neighbor's house, wife, ox..." The second time it is written, "You shall not
covet your neighbor's wife, house, ox..." somehow, between Exodus and
Deuteronomy, the position of wife moved, from second place between house and
ox, to first place before house! This is surely not a mistake. Her position,
worth, and recognition, grow even over the course of the Torah itself! How
much more so should her position, worth, and recognition, continue to grow
throughout history, in the present age, and beyond, just as the position,
worth, and recognition of all peoples continue to grow, until we are all able
to recognize the dazzling Divine Image in every single human being. And so
when text is questioned because it devalues another, we are following in the
tradition of Torah when we examine it critically, and perhaps revise it with
love. Your analysis is beautiful, creative and enlightening, but I can't help
but wonder if you are more a loyal follower of cannonization, as opposed to
being committed to the very Jewish tradition of wrestling openly with text.
For every Talmudic quote we can glean that lifts women to the
highest, there are thirty that make all of her endeavors laughable, foolish,
and simple-minded. How do we explain that? We pick and choose those that
support our own vision? Thank you for inviting us to dialogue with you on
this matter!
DEAR READER:
Hello and thank you for your articulate response to our "who has not made me
a woman" class... I agree with you that to seek an explanation for this
blessing is squarely within the tradition of Torah inquiry. The point I was
making in my essay was that, although I did in fact question many things fed
me "in my mother's milk" and wanted to understand them on an adult level, I
never felt it was critical to explore this blessing in-depth. This is
because I never took the blessing literally, at face value, perhaps because
of my positive experience with Jewish womanhood from the very start. As an
integral member of an observant community, I was certainly at an advantage,
because I was able to process the blessing and answers to my other questions
within a positive context. I have, nonetheless, spoken with those from less
cohesive backgrounds who have had no trouble processing this phrase, as well
as others who were in fact bothered by it.
In another part of your email, you argue that: "spousal abuse among the
ultra-orthodox is not less than in the public at large, and some argue it's
higher, and hidden under the cover of Shalom Bayit" (harmony in the home). I
would be interested in seeing any statistics that back up this statement.
In response to your observation that the Jewish wife's status grows as the
Torah progresses - the fact that the Five Books were written by G-d does not
leave room for this type of evolution. The idea of this concept becoming
further developed as the Torah text proceeds is a human construct. The
change in order, to which you refer, is also G-d given and as such has a
specific reason (see Ramban & Ibn Ezra on this issue).
Finally, I feel that your statement, "For every Talmudic quote we can glean
that lifts women to the highest, there are thirty that make all of her
endeavors laughable, foolish, and simple-minded" requires backing up.
BEST REGARDS, LEAH KOHN
(FROM THE SAME READER AS ABOVE)
SHALOM LEAH ~
Thank you for your response. I do truly admire you. You know, I started to
write a list of 30 Talmudic, Biblical, and Aggadic quotes that paint women as
simple-minded, prone to folly, wayward, and seductive, but then I deleted it
because I don't want to make such a list. I love being a Jewish woman, and I
love going to mikveh...I especially loved walking home from the mikveh one
snowy evening, and the cold stars winking at me. That silver and cobalt night
will always stand out in my mind because it's the night we conceived our son
Rachmiel. (Although I do wish the mikveh lady had been nicer...that has been
my experience with mikveh ladies, a lot of gevurah (strength) and very little
hesed (kindness)! I think you need to show hesed when someone is standing
vulnerable and bare before you!) Anyway, my point is that I am not making an
"indictment of the Jewish woman." And I don't want to,
that is why I deleted my disturbing list. And I do believe in Torah from
Sinai and have spent much of my life studying it, absorbed in it, but I also
believe that how the Torah speaks to each generation is part of an ongoing
revelation. I believe that religion is the pursuit of the ultimate Truth, and
in that pursuit, one cannot have blinders.
I worked as a volunteer in an AIDS clinic. We kept the clinic open late at
night because orthodox men did not want to come during regular hours because
[they did not feel comfortable being seen entering]. I listened as a
counselor urged an ultra orthodox man with HIV to tell his wife, but he
refused. One of his children contracted herpes through the mother and is
blind. I walked through an ultra-orthodox neighborhood in Jeruslam with my
husband. We were recently engaged at the time, and we had just bought a
kittel (white robe for men) for him to wear at the wedding. As we walked, my
fellow "Jewish brothers" covered their eyes when passing me, or spit. I was
modestly dressed, maybe a collarbone showed. That same summer my then fiance
and I were walking home on Shabbat, we walked four miles, talking and singing
zemirot (songs), feeling the sanctity of the day, only to be broken when
going through an ultra-orthodox neighborhood where no one would return our
Shabbat Shalom greeting and kids were running around with rotten cucumbers to
throw at cars. In the Pursuit of Ultimate Truth, one MUST BE HONEST...
Orthodox women in abusive relationships stay married to their batterers an
average of eight years longer than non Jewish women. I am a reform Jew. My
husband an I observe niddah (family purity), Shabbat and Kashruth, toiveling
(immersing in a mikveh) every new dish and checking
hekshers (rabbinical supervision related to kashrut). But we believe in
equality and social action. Although I am a reform Jew, I am ashamed of a lot
of things in my own movement. I am ashamed of the lack of education many of
our members have. I am ashamed at the rate of interfaith marriage. There are
many things. I am honest enough to admit this because I am in the Pursuit of
Ultimate Truth. The Orthodox world, both female and male, needs to be honest
in this pursuit as well, instead of defending every lunatic and "Spitter" and
"cucumber thrower" and Hasid with AIDS and batterer. Or defending mishnayot
that group women and slaves together, or compare women to "meat from the
slaughterhouse." Or even "Who has not made me a woman." The truth is, Leah,
that I love tradition so much, my whole being cries out for it, and I observe
it in my home, but there are these moments, when I draw close, that someone
pushes me away. There is a meanness toward the "other", and I have to include
"woman" in the category
of other, that defeats the whole message of Kiruv (outreach). I cannot deny
what I see.
DEAR STUDENT PARTICIPANT:
Hello and thank you for your heartfelt email. I agree with you that
inappropriate behavior from any Jew, whether orthodox or reform, should be
criticized and is unacceptable, but I feel that putting this observation in
the same category with the words of our Sages is mixing two unrelated topics.
The words of our Sages are part of the Oral Law, which is Divine and beyond
the realm of flaws in human behavior. (Rabbinical credibility is a topic on
its own. For a brief discussion, as it relates to "who has not made me a
woman," please see my response to Michael, in our previous email class.)
BEST REGARDS, LEAH KOHN
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MRS. KOHN,
I have always wondered about this prayer's intentions. I interpreted it
as meaning that men were thankful for having the responsibility for
performing some very specific mitzvot whereas woman had a choice, but not an
obligation. I thought your explanation about the perceived thankfulness men
feel for the extra responsibility incumbent on males, was very clear. Thank
you for imparting understanding. [I do have to tell you though, that the
wording still gives me pause.]
Todah, LOUANNE
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MRS.KOHN,
Thank you for the essay on the prayer men say about not being made a woman.
My religious education was at end by the time I was 10 years
old. However, I never found that prayer to have any politically incorrect
undertones. In my short time of living in a religious home and community, I
understood the responsibilities of both men and women and how different they
were, but how one's responsibilities were mirrored by the others. I always
thought this prayer meant more that, "the women in my life have so much to
endure that I must thank G-d for making me a man, for these woman are strong
and special." I never thought that it suggested that we as woman were less
important.
SINCERELY, RACHEL B
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TO: LKOHN@TORAH.ORG
As a woman who is observant from birth and attended Bais Yakov schools, I
never felt inferior to men. I come from a Chasidic background and my
husband, who is from a Yeshivish background, always respected my superior
knowledge of "Prophets". So although girls aren't taught Talmud, they are
taught other things that boys generally aren't. The reason I am writing
though, is that lately reciting the blessing, "who has made me in His own
Image" has been a comfort to me. I am 45. I am going grey. I need reading
glasses these days. I am starting menopause. I was feeling bad about these
changes in my body. Then I realized: "who has made me in His own Image." He
has made me according to His will--aging
body and all. I find that comforting. I must take care of my body. I
excercize and take vitamins but aging is the way it's supposed to happen.
Baruch Hashem that I am alive to be able to age.
SILKY
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DEAR MRS. KOHN:
I'm sorry. Although I find the Project Genesis weekly parsha enlightening,
this piece (An Examination of Rabbinical Integrity Related to the Blessing,
10/5/00) was so poorly written and so inadequate in addressing the question
it raised, I no longer wish to read Mrs. Kohn's dvarim (words).
While I do not expect her to be apologetic or contradictory to halacha, by
insisting that the wise men of the Sanhedrin (who I believe she is referring
to) are not prejudiced against women is to answer a very complex question in
an unsuitably simple manner, and thus a very offensive and unstisfactory one.
I have heard many d'varim (talks/thoughts) on the subject of this prayer, and
all were more insightful and satisfactory than Rebbitzin Kohn's. She showed
a lack of respect for her readers by giving such an unsophisticated and
unworthy answer.
Thank you, JONI
DEAR JONI:
While you may well feel my essay, "Who Has Not Made Me a Woman: An
Examination of Rabbinical Integrity Related to the Blessing" was
unsatisfactory, I believe the piece reflects my own ongoing respect for my
readers, regardless of our differences in opinion. In addition, I also
respect their constructive criticism of my work, as evidenced by the student
questions and my answers to their emails, which we publish regularly.
In my opinion, your own response to my essay falls outside the parameters of
what I consider appropriately constructive criticism. I do not believe
unsupported observations such as "offensive," "unsophisticated," "unworthy"
and "poorly written" further our dialogue. Such disrespectful terms require
backing up, in order that they might at the very least be connected to
legitimate sources.
BEST REGARDS, LEAH KOHN
